Healing with Jai podcast-chapter 5

The Marianismo and Machismo Entanglement

So this chapter is a long one judging by my notes. Grab your favorite cup of tea or coffee anda snack, maybe even a pen and paper to take notes if needed. 

As we talk about decolonizing and decentering the patriarchy, we should also talk about how our maternal lineages have had a hand in uplifting the patriarchy. It’s one of those moments where we are like “am I the villain, is it me?”

Let’s talk about Marianismo. The definition of marianismo if you let wikipedia tell it is Marianismo is an aspect of the female gender role in Hispanic American folk cultures, strictly intertwined with machismo and Roman Catholicism.

As in there’s no Machismo without Marianismo. As in, these two topics go hand in hand. We know what machismo is but let’s get the definition out here too:

The meaning of MACHISMO is a strong sense of masculine pride : an exaggerated masculinity. Machismo comes from the assertion of male dominance in everyday life. Examples of this would be men dominating their wives, controlling their children, and demanding the utmost respect from others in the household.

This term originated in the 1930’s and 40’s, and was a term to describe what the Latine community felt the ideal man would be like.

On the flip side, Marianismo describes what the Latine community felt the ideal woman would be like. In this binary patriarchal scenario, one cannot exist without the other. Both are needed in order to thrive in this way.

Marianismo is based on folk Catholicism because they use the “good girl” trope. Marianismo viene de…oh wow I’m really started to go into Spanish there haha, but the term comes from the Virgin Mary. How a woman is semi-divine, like the Virgin Mary and should be compared to her. A good woman is a woman of the church. A woman of the church sees the man as the head of household. A woman of the church is virtuous, self sacrificing, has morals, saves herself for marriage etc. Because a good man wouldn’t want a woman that isn’t like this to form a family with. And who doesn’t want a good man right?

Under the eyes of the church and the patriarchy, women were either good or whores. There is no in between. If the woman doesn’t live up to the ideal of the patriarchy, then she is a whore. Period.

Obviously machismo is problematic right? For those obvious reasons we all know, but have you also thought about how damaging machismo can be for latine men? The pressure to fulfill this role of being responsible for your entire family in that way? Listen I have kids and I have a very present husband and sometimes still it can be overwhelming. So many men out there that take this attitude and crumble under the pressure, but they deny it to themselves. And they start to drink. Avece pa pasar el tiempo but sometimes it can really be something where it’s a moment to not feel the pressure. And I’m sure there has to be studies out there on the relationship between machismo and alcoholism in the Latine communities. I don’t have a PhD or anything but I can see that relationship and I’m sure you can too.

We talk about how men need therapy, we talk about how men are missing those close friendships that femmes have where we can vent to each other about life, knowing that we are loved and safe in our friendships. The very word in Spanish, desahogar, the literal translation means undrown, because sometimes we feel like we are drowning in life and responsibilities, and sometimes all we need is a mimosa brunch with a friend to undrown. 

Men and their chokehold on machismo does not allow them to undrown. So I imagine they are in a perpetual state of drowning. That’s a lot. 

I’m not saying all this to be like “poor machos” right, but to show the entire picture of how this plays out in our communities. 

And the machismo that our grandfathers got away with in their families, men no longer get away with that right? There was an article that went viral recently in Psychology Today titled “the rise of lonely single men” you should look that up but I will also add that to the show notes for ease of clicking. You can find the show notes on the blog.

But basically, the article is saying how men are having a hard time dating because they refuse to change and femmes are refusing to lower their standards. I’m here for it because we shouldn’t be lowering our standards for anyone. But according to the article, women are not asking for the moon…I don’t think things like good communication, being emotionally available and sharing  similar values are a big ask. Honestly these are things men could work out in therapy if they ever take that time to go. But machismo doesn't let them.

With Marianismo, women are elevated in their communities by how they show their martyrdom. Marianismo is the heirloom that is passed down through generations in Latine society. Like a prized possession, like a wedding dress. Like that stereotypical red lipstick that we all love. It can be something as simple as putting all your dreams on hold because you’re so busy doing everything for everyone. 

For a lot of us, we are burnt out. Here me?? Burnout affects femmes more than cis-men, there were so many women that left the workplace after the start of the pandemic due to needing to care for their families. Latinas represent the biggest demographic that’s driving the great resignation. And of course, sometimes it’s worth it to leave a job, especially if you don’t feel welcomed, or frequently dealing with microagressions and discrimination. Or just flat out not feeling fulfilled by your job. 

Marianismo can also lead to depression. Due to feeling like you can’t do what you’d like and putting yourself last. The self esteem that can be lacking as well as the need for other people’s approval can make anyone depressed. People pleasing comes at the expense of your own happiness.

Pushing back against the patriarchy and these structures that have been built back in colonial time can be done simply by prioritizing yourself, and your well being. Rebelling is living a soft life. That senora life that’s been trending on tik tok. Taking the time to prioritize yourself. Whether that’s a spa day or therapy. Or both. Planting a garden. Strong Boundaries to help rebuild your Self esteem. Healing that Solar plexus. This healing work is lifelong work. It’s also Resting. Knowing when your body has had enough. Listening to those cues that your body gives you. And especially in the beginning, it can be uncomfortable to slow down and just be.

Latinas suffer from somatic disorders at a substantial higher rate than North American women. A somatic disorder is a mental illness that causes people to feel physical symptoms without an underlying cause. This is why I also believe in energy healing when it comes to these types of disorders, because it helps to move energy that is stuck due to lack of expression of your needs. This is a real thing. 

Let’s get into todays reading. 

As a Latine woman family values are important to me, but I also pride myself in instilling boundaries within my relationships with my children, in my business and my life as a whole. My only regret is not doing it sooner. But the pandemic and working from home has me in a different mindset. Not only are we quietly quitting but we are also embracing the Senora life. This softer living. Check out the Nap ministry on Instagram who’s whole platform is about teaching rest as resistance. 

How can you work on your mariansimo? Maybe doing a Sunday reset. Making sure the whole family is involved in chores for the house. So that you can prioritize yourself and your well-being. 

Letting go of El que dirán that our mothers and grandmothers subscribed to because we have one life and it’s short and we can’t waste it by worrying about what someone else might think about the decisions we make. 

Here’s this weeks book recommendation. It’s a book I read in preparation for this epsiode and it’s full of gems. Written by two Latina therapists, it’s called The Maria Paradox and it’s 99cents on kindle right now. I will link it in the show notes on the blog as well. 

This weeks journal prompt:

In what ways have you sacrificed for what you thought was the greater good?

Also thinking about how artists like Tokischa and Cardi use their lyrics and how they contribute to the fight against Marianismo. Their lyrics can make any machista uncomfortable and this is why. 

Last thing…please don’t take this all on yourself to fix and I’m using quotes on the fix part. Without machismo there’s no marianismo and without marianismo there’s no machismo. It’s important that we take a look at our family structures our parenting and even our mothers and tias and abuelas to see how this is still going strong to see what kinds of things can be worked on for the better. Also finding a Latina family therapist that everyone can go to could be a game changer if this is a big concern for you in your journey to healing. 

Let’s get to some comments. I loved your responses on Healing girl summer, how you used the summer to heal and do self love work. As well as comments about how the collective readings were spot on in regards to releasing burdens and knowing your worth. So freaking beautiful to hear how you guys are doing the work. 

Bueno mi gente Thats it for this chapter. This one was a doozy lol. As always I love to hear your comments so feel free to reach out via DM or email! 

Hasta la próxima!