Grief and spirituality
Let’s talk about grief. It can affect everyone differently. Sometimes we might not even notice it’s grief.
When my brother passed in 2012, it affected me greatly, even though we had a turbulent relationship and weren’t really that close. The 12 year age gap really made a difference in how we got along. To be honest, I was closer to my cousins than my own siblings because of that age gap.
My brother passed suddenly at the age of 43, and we just didn’t see it coming. Something that triggered me is that on his memory card, they listed me as his sister with my nickname. You know how Dominicans can be with nicknames. It’s nowhere near my actual government name and it caused me to go through a whirlwind of wanting to change my name. I also, after being married for 8 years at that time, wanted to change my name to include my family name and hyphenate it with my husband’s name. I almost felt like an identity loss with the loss of my brother.
When my father passed in 2019, it was right before COVID and the circumstances were less than ideal. Thankfully, spirit had given me a head’s up that both my father and a dear uncle did not have much time left and would be passing within months of each other. Sure enough they passed within 5 months of each other and although it was a blow, it wasn’t how bad it would have been otherwise if I wasn’t given the head’s up.
Something I’ve noticed in the last few days is that I again felt that loss of identity. My dad was everything and then some. He was the one I could always count on, the one who kept me grounded and when I lost him (first to Alzheimer’s) it was tough to watch him literally disintegrate before my eyes. I also missed the opportunity to care for him in his last years which although I’m the youngest I had prepared myself for as the most responsible of the siblings. And I didn’t get that chance for many reasons, none I could control.
As a mother, and wife, I didn’t have a chance to really mourn him as a daughter. And I’ve realized that now, three years later. My grief materialized through my hair, believe it or not. I felt that loss of identity and not soon after COVID started, I started a natural hair journey, working hard to regain my curls and let my hair naturally go gray even though I’ve hated it. Let’s not even mention how expensive it is, with curly cuts and all the products, hair masks, etc. My hair was at its most healthy until it literally started to melt off from the bottom. There’s no other way to explain it. You might think oh it was evil eye, but I think it was grief. Our hair holds on to so much energy. And I haven’t been losing any hair from the root, it was all from the bottom.
Almost exactly three years later, I’ve gotten my haircut and colored and brought everything back. And I felt like I was in mourning during these three years. I can see my dad smiling at me as I write this.
Sometimes we don’t allow ourselves to grieve and mourn, we instead focus on something we can control, like a natural hair journey. Or we can unknowingly mourn in different ways, not just mourning our family, but the identity loss. I am my father’s daughter. But there’s an identity loss in not having a father to call on the phone and saludar with a “cion papi”. With an uncle that you used to drive nuts because you played too much. Saying “cion tio”. A culture and identity loss that comes with losing your elders is something I can’t put into words. As someone who is the youngest child’s youngest child, man it's hard to watch your family get old. I remember my dad telling me once when I was a kid that you know you’re old when the folks who knew you when you were a baby are no longer around. And I feel that.
I also remember when my grandmother died, my mother cried and cried at the news. I was only 8 but that left a mark. She cried so much while laying in bed, that I also began crying as I saw my mother in pain like that. And I must have really carried that with me because I’m not able to cry and grieve my father like that in front of my kids. For fear I would give them that same long lasting impression my mother gave me.
As an adult, I also realized my mother never went to say her final goodbyes to my grandparents when they passed. And it’s not like she couldn’t take time away from work, as she owned her own business and before their passing we used to go to Dominican Republic for a whole month in December. She had the means and opportunity. But she didn’t go. We also never visited my grandparents’ gravesites, I’m actually not even sure where they are buried. We actually never went back to the town my mother was from after their passing. She has avoided it.
She also had to be forced to go to my brother’s funeral because she didn’t want to go. I had to help her get dressed along with a friend of hers because she was in so much grief she refused. We had to dress her and do her hair and get her out the door.
Grief like that can cause susto, and soul loss. And I’ve realized that. Also holding on to grief like I have does not allow you to heal. Three years and 3 months later, I’m realizing that there’s an opportunity to heal from the grief and trauma around my father’s passing. And heal some generational trauma around grieving and working through trauma, child loss and parent loss.
Healing happens on your own timeline. And grief is something that stays with us, but it transforms. It’s similar to how an earthbound spirit gets light, they can return as they please as an elevated spirit. One is not healing and the other is. One is stuck and the other continues to develop and grow. And grief can evolve and grow if we let it. If we don’t allow it to get stuck and not move. Everyone’s spiritual journey is different, and that includes grief. Give yourself grace and take your time through your healing.